I’m not the only one who fairly consistently misreads “promo” as “porno,” am I?
Previously on Supernatural, Sam was kidnapped by this middle-aged dude who was looking for Dean:
Currently on Supernatural, it’s June 21, 2003.
A little boy wakes up to the sounds of someone being beaten. When he gets downstairs, he finds his father dead in a pool of his own blood. He looks up and sees Dean Winchester holding a bloody dagger, his visage smoothed by subtle CGI to make him look 24 again.
"That was the night that Dean Winchester murdered my father," Cole says in the present day. He must have been so shaken by the event that it aged him 30 years in the span of 11, because holy crap, guy.
He’s narrating all of this to Sam, who is still his prisoner in the random abandoned barn from last week. Sam tries to reason with him, then just flat out tells him that there are actual, literal monsters out there. Naturally, Cole doesn’t believe him.
Meanwhile, in the nation’s least populous strip club, Dean is trying to persuade a dancer to let him fondle her for a hundred bucks. When she turns away, he makes a grab for her thigh. The bouncer tries to throw Dean out of there, but Dean beats the snot out of him. This is intercut with Cole and Sam having a screaming contest.
It’s a hard-fought battle, but Cole wins by a smidge. He doesn’t get long to gloat before his kid calls him. Sam sneaks out of there while Cole is on the phone.
Crowley catches up with Dean just as he’s leaving the strip club. Blah, blah, blah, Crowley wants to have a chat with him about his anger management issues.
Oh dear Christ we’re back to the World’s Most Boring Road Trip, starring Castiel and Hannah. She heals his wounds, like, how many hours after they’ve been driving around that way? Before they can get too far into another talk about What It Means to be Human, Castiel gets a call from Sam.
Once they’re on the road again, Hannah tries to convince Castiel that the Winchesters are a “bad influence” on him. Honey, mightier angels than you have tried to have this conversation with him. Naomi couldn’t even lobotomize him into changing his mind. He’s so bored, he actually falls asleep at the wheel and wrecks the car.
Well, that’s the story I’m going with, anyway.
Crowley and Dean take up a couple of bar stools at the Flamingo Lounge. Seriously? Also, there is a tiny red pitchfork in Crowley’s drink:
In case we hadn’t gotten the point by now, Crowley explains that Dean needs to kill now, thanks to the Mark. “Face it, darling, you’re an addict!” Ah, another drug addiction metaphor. Sigh.
Crowley proposes that Dean kill someone for him, like the cheating wife of some guy who just made a crossroads deal. But instead of killing the woman, Dean confronts the husband. He started cheating first, but he’s all, “It’s different when guys do it because science!” so Dean punches him in the mouth. Like, it’s okay to fondle strippers after they tell you to stop, but don’t spout shitty gender science for your own gain. Or something.
Then the guy calls Dean a “punk ass demon” and earns himself a First Blade right in the intestines.
Sam shows up at the strip club and shows the bouncer a CW promo pic of his male model brother.
Sam must be really off his game, because he doesn’t notice Cole following him.
Meanwhile, a kindly tow truck driver left Castiel and Hannah at her house while she drove into town for some new tires. The next morning, Castiel wakes up on the sofa with a little girl sitting next to him. Did the truck driver leave strangers with her kid? The girl tells him about a dream she had, where her snot exploded some stars.
The driver assumes that Hannah and Castiel are a couple, much to Hannah’s surprise. Calm down, girl. People are always assuming Sam and Dean are a couple, too.
Crowley is none too pleased to learn that Dean has killed his client and let the woman live. He’s even more displeased when Dean just up and knocks him on his ass. Crowley lectures Dean for not committing fully to his demonic nature, for clinging to human sympathy.
Dean makes vague but menacing threats, so Crowley breaks up with him on the spot. “It’s not me, it’s you,” he huffs. Dean decides not to kill him because Mark Sheppard is a regular now. I honestly can’t think of any other reason that the Winchesters haven’t killed Crowley a dozen times over by now.
Crowley then flits away to Sam and offers to hand over Dean’s location. You know, for a price, because that always ends well.
Hannah sneaks off to Heaven while Castiel is snoozing in the car. SWEET LUCIFER’S FLAMING BUTTHOLE she’s gone to see Metatron in jail. WHY. WHY IS HE STILL ALIVE? All right, I’m just gonna get through this.
She wants whatever leftovers he has of Castiel’s grace. He offers to give it to her, if she sets him free. He doesn’t even want to stay on Earth. “You pop that lock, I’ll give you Castiel’s grace, then scamper off to another planet!” He’s so full of crap, he should move to Uranus. And I’m using the old-school pronunciation, not the new one that keeps 12-year-olds from giggling in science class.
Then, because he’s not gross enough already, he makes some rude comments about how Hannah wants to be “dominated.” She reaches through the prison bars and bashes his head into the bars. Good.
Luckily, Castiel interrupts before she can accept Boogertron’s deal. He warns her that these kinds of things never end well. (Yeah, Sam.) He’d rather just die on his own terms. Metatron threatens to kill everyone once he gets out of prison. So Castiel takes out an angel blade and skewers him right through the face. No more Metatron. Never. He’s gone. I don’t care if it only happened in my head. I’m clinging to my version and you can’t make me stop.
Sam finds Dean at the Flamingo. He offers to “cure” Dean of his demonic ways, like they learned from Kevin’s translations once upon a time. Sam tries really hard to talk him into it.
But in the end, Dean declines. He’s still having too much fun with his own storyline.
That’s when Cole shows up, knocks Sam out again, and takes on Dean. “Do you remember me?” he asks. Uh, no, you’re literally a different person now. Dean humors him for quite a long time, letting him go on about his need for vengeance and so forth. Once the fight starts, it’s super fun because almost anywhere you pause it, it’s a Broadway musical number.
Cole manages to slice Dean’s face (no!), and then stares in horror as it quickly heals (yay!). “What are you?” he asks. “A demon,” Dean says, flashing his beady black eyes.
He decides to let Cole live, but he’s so distracted that he doesn’t hear Sammy clomping up behind him to throw some holy water in his face. While he’s flailing in pain, Sam slaps the magical handcuffs on him. Dean is super pissed about it, but there’s not much he can do but make angry faces and plot Sam’s demise.
While Dean sulks in the Impala’s back seat like a child who just got booted from school for misbehaving, Sam wraps things up with Crowley. This means he hands over the First Blade, which just seems like a bad idea for a lot of reasons. Crowley tosses a snarky little look of triumph at Dean, but then heads right back to the bar to reminisce.
As “Hey There Lonely Girl” plays on the jukebox, he stares wistfully at pictures of his time with Dean.
"Sir," one of his minions says, "it’s time to move on." Surprisingly, Crowley doesn’t kill him for witnessing his vulnerable moment.
On the drive home, Sam notices how dirty the Impala is. It probably smells like triplets, too. Nonetheless, he still thinks there’s hope for Dean. “You could’ve killed that guy but you didn’t,” he says. Dean says it wasn’t mercy. “That kid’s gonna spend his whole life knowing that he had his shot, and that he couldn’t beat me.” (Meanwhile, Cole is at the nearest public library, researching demons.) Dean promises to do worse to Sam. Buzz off his hair? Replace his plaid with Hawaiian shirts? Poison the world’s salad supply? Whatever it is, Sam looks worried as hell as the end credits roll.
I give this episode 2.8 Hellhounds…
and 1 Grace for Castiel:
Previously, on The Walking Dead:
Rick Grimes refused to cuss even when he and his buddies and kid got captured by hipster cannibals.
We get a flashback to when the Terminus folk were peace-loving non-cannibals, who’d just been ousted from their own home by murderers and rapists. Gareth, future King of the Hipster Cannibals, sets his eyelashes in determination.
In the present, Rick and the gang spend their time in the cattle car making weapons out of their zippers and belts. They get ready to attack their captors, but then the Termites toss in a teargas grenade. Gassy and teary, Rick and some of the other men get dragged into a giant butcher shop to be turned into juicy steaks. All of them get lined up at a trough for killin’. Naturally, the butchers start at the end with the unnamed characters. Glenn looks especially panicked because he’s first in line after the redshirts.
Bob makes a bunch of fuss until Gareth removes his gag. Bob tries to convince these crazy-ass cannibals they don’t have to do this crazy-ass cannibal shit.
Gareth isn’t remotely convinced, and threatens to torture him if Rick doesn’t reveal what was in their hidden bag out in the woods. Rick’s like, “Oh, a bunch of guns and a compound bow and Daryl’s Garnier Nutrisse and the machete I’m gonna use to kill you later.” The butchers get ready to go back to killin’ Glenn, but an explosion rocks the building. Glenn’s probably pooped himself about three times in this one scene alone.
Elsewhere, Carol, Tyreese and Judith are wandering along the train tracks towards Terminus when a walker happens their way. Ty can’t bring himself to kill the thing, so Carol hands off Judith and does the job herself. Soon, a whole herd emerges from the woods. Luckily, they’re lured away by sounds of gunfire coming from Terminus. How are all these damned walkers able to make it without tripping over the tracks? How is it that walking carrion is less klutzy than me?
Carol and Ty come across a shed in the woods and overhear some grease stain a baseball cap talking on a walkie about Michonne and Carl. “I told Albert I want the kid’s hat after they bleed him out!” Carol shoves a gun to the back of his head.
He looks kind of like Glenn from some angles. This better not mean Original Flavor Glenn gets bumped off. Carol tapes him up, takes his weapons and a poncho, then heads off to Terminus. Tyreese and Judith are left behind with Grease Stain. Carol disguises herself by smearing walker guts all over the poncho, and mud on her face and hair. It’s pretty gross, but she kind of rocks that mud-red hair.
Grease Stain blathers on about football and life and killing, and how Ty and the baby are going to die. “Or you can just take my car and get out of here,” he suggests.
Carol gets to Terminus at the point in the timeline when Rick and the other men are getting wrangled for butchering. She blows up a propane tank using a combination of keen marksmanship and fireworks. At the same time, a massive herd of walkers descends upon the compound. Delightfully, some of them are still ambling about while on fire.
Carol and her Coat of Many Colons remain undetected amidst all the mayhem.
The distraction allows Rick time to cut through his zip ties with a piece of wood he’s been hiding on his person. He quickly dispatches the butchers, then frees his buddies. They gather up what weapons they can, then find a bunch of human body parts hanging up from meat hooks. Besides everything that’s obviously wrong about this situation, it’s all just so unsanitary.
At least salt cure that crap.
Outside, Daryl kills a walker before it can sneak up on Rick. They exchange little nods, like
Are the invading walkers particularly short? Because the Termites are all raising their guns only about boob high, or lower.
Carol wanders into the candlelit memorial room. Holy crap, that’s a lot of candles. Where do you get that many candles to waste in an apocalypse? Maybe they’re making them out of people tallow.
Mary sneaks up behind her and orders her to drop her weapons. Carol’s not down with that, of course. Fisticuffs ensue! I thought for sure Mary’s long skirt was going to catch fire from those candles, but nope! Carol points her gun at her. Mary explains that Terminus was a true sanctuary at one point, but those evildoers took it over. The Termites fought back and triumphed! At the expense of their morals, anyway. “You’re the butcher, or you’re the cattle,” she says. She refuses to tell Carol where Rick and the others are, so Carol shoots her in the leg. Carol declines to kill her, and it’s like, “Wow, that’s awfully sympathetic, considering,” but no! No! Then she opens the door and lets a bunch of walkers in to finish the job. When picking teams for the end of the world, always pick Carol.
Tyreese is distracted by approaching walkers, so Grease Stain makes a grab for Judith. I find it hard to believe preparedness-minded Carol wouldn’t have also bound his legs, but whatever.
He forces Ty outside, presumably to be eaten by walkers, but Ty finally finds his willingness to kill. All Grease Stain hears are some screams and then an unnerving quiet before Tyreese explodes back through the door and slams him to the ground. He screams, “I won’t! I won’t!” as he pummels Grease Stain’s face into ground round.
Meanwhile, Michonne is so badass that she has made a katana out of things that are not a katana.
Sasha, sensible person that she is, wants to know about Eugene’s cure, and isn’t satisfied with his “it’s classified” non-answer. So he says some vague, bullshitty things about the Human Genome Project and pathogens, throwing in just enough science-y words to sound like he knows something about something. Sasha still looks doubtful, because she has a brain in her head.
Rick and the others free them from the cattle car. Everyone has a brief moment of relief before they have to start fighting their way out of the compound. Rick manages to wing Gareth as they’re making their escape, but the little weasel lives to see another day.
Out in the woods, Rick digs up their cache of weapons. He wants to go back and kill the rest of the Termites. While everyone argues with Rick, Daryl notices Carol nearby and runs over to give her a big hug. He picks her up off the ground, breathes into her shoulder…
Rick, realizing she’s the one who set the end of Terminus in motion, is glad to see her. He gives her a big hug, too, then follows her back to the shed to reunite with his baby. I wonder if Carol told him about Judith before they left, or was she like, “No, no, I want it to be a surprise!” Judith is the only one who doesn’t seem that glad to see everyone.
Everyone heads back onto the tracks, away from Terminus, headed to goodness knows where. Rick stops long enough to grab a handful of mud and edit one of the Terminus signs along the way.
One last flashback to show that Mary was Gareth’s mom, and that turning into avenging cannibals was maybe his idea. Like, you can’t blame the guy for killing and maybe even cooking the guys who beat and raped his mom, but killing and cooking everybody was maybe a little extreme.
Then, after the credits and the preview for next week, there’s some guy walking on the train tracks. He sees Rick’s warning sign. He looks like he’s cosplaying one of the Sand People from Star Wars, but then he takes off his hood and his mask, revealing himself to be…
YEAH. Welcome back, dude.
I give this episode…
4 out of 5 walkers.
I was told that last year a man had to leave because my language was ‘unladylike.’ I got one thing to say to that.
Go fuck yourself, in the ass, without any lube.